Omnibus: Crack
by vehlr
Summary: A collection of the ridiculous amount of crack pairings I have been challenged with by the Swooping Is Bad IRC. Most are short, few are sweet. Rated just in case.
1. Teagan x Broodfather for Malaia

He awakens in a dark place. Around him he can hear movement, flesh across moist stone, and his heart knows confusion. In the dim light, he can make out the shape of something trailing along the floor, smooth and pale, and as he stands up, staggering slightly, he frowns. The sound echoes around the cavern, but he knows there is more than one thing moving – it surrounds him, enveloping him.. trapping him. As he braces himself to run, his legs are pinned down. Horrified, he glances down – snakes, tendrils.. whatever they are, they write along the floor and up his legs, trapping him for whatever lies ahead. A deep rumble rocks the air around him, and he tries not to tremble. Beside him, more appendages emerge, and he sees them finally – hulking phalluses, horrific pieces of man-flesh, enough to turn the stomach. Ahead of him, the Broodfather roars its approval, and as the slithering iron-hard tumenscences thrust forward into his every orifice, his heart knows the true meaning of fear.


	2. Teagan x Loghain for Crisium

He is sixteen when Rowan brings Cailan to Redcliffe, all smiles and cutesy faces and it makes him feel a little sick. Eamon is doting, and Maric – King Maric, he reminds himself – is charming, but all he wants to do is go and train in the courtyard.. anything to get him away from the overly happy family they are creating. He still feels the loss of their father when they are together. Rushing down the steps, he pulls up sharp to avoid walking into a tall dark-haired man – the Hero of Ferelden himself, Loghain Mac Tir. The elder man looks at him keenly, assessing his physique, before tossing a sword at him.

"Come on, then."

They duel, and Teagan is floored within minutes, naturally. Loghain has experience way beyond the boy's simple training exercises, and pounces, blade closing in on his opponent's throat for a split-second, before a fierce look in his eyes flashes dangerously and he throws the blade to one side, instead cupping the boy's face with his hand and pressing their lips together. The intensity behind the act shocks and confuses the man, but his hands reach up to pull Loghain closer, mouth opening ever so slightly. The moment is fleeting – in an instant, the Hero of Ferelden is on his feet, offering Teagan a hand up, and he is left wondering whether it had really happened at all.


	3. Alistair x Sandal

Loghain had done it. The Blight was over, and the Archdemon slain, and somewhere in the world that bastard Cousland, who he had dared believe was his friend, was getting ready to marry Anora and take the throne. He tore through the countryside, ripping into the bands of darkspawn that he found in his path, rage and betrayal and anger flowing through him like poison. Eventually he stumbles upon a clearing, breathing shallow and angry, and he whirls around, glaring at the only occupant -

"You.." He stops, staring. The boy.. the savant. He glanced around. "Where's your father?" The boy's smile slipped, for the first time in Alistair's memory, and he sighed. "Oh, I'm so sorry.." And he means it. For the first time in days, something other than anger breaks through the shell forming around his heart, and he drops his shield and embraces the boy. "It'll be alright.. I promise." Thick arms wrap around his waist, and his heart aches for the boy. What purpose had been ripped from him is swiftly being replaced by something new. He pulls away to look him in the eyes, smiling softly. "I'll take care of you, okay?" The boy studies him for a moment, before bursting into a brilliant smile.

"Enchantment?" Alistair chuckles.

"Enchantment," he agrees.


	4. Goldanna x Loghain for Crisium

He is captured by Loghain – a simple enough mistake.

It takes them a month to find and free him, and when they do there is a little less of Alistair. Not physically, thank the Maker, though his back is a mess from the lashings. No, there is a little less smiling, less jokes and wit, less bickering with the witch... and that is enough to alert everyone.

It takes her five nights to get him to talk, and in the end it is Zevran who recognises the signs, who leads him beyond the campfire to the skirts of camp and regales him with horror stories, who listens to Alistair's story.

* * *

Within the first three days of his capture Loghain has found his sister and summoned her to the royal court. With freshly washed hair and a nervous smile she appears, and he tells her what he plans to do – not out of any sense of malice, but just so she understands what is about to happen. She accepts her part with dignity, though the large amount of gold sweetens the deal considerably. Within two hours he has escorted her to Howe's estate and shown her the dungeon – and Alistair watches with wide eyes as Loghain fucks his sister in front of him. There is nothing sweet or gentle about it, it is a simple tactic. It affects him – even though she cares not for him, he still prioritises her safety in his own mind, and he is horrified that Loghain would stoop to such a low and bastardly manoeuvre.

He cries. She is thrown out.

Five days later they are back, another show for him, and he breaks once more, big aching tears rolling down his mucky cheeks. She is led out, given payment, and sent on her way once more.

Three days later, she comes to the royal court unasked. Loghain is not gentle with her. Alistair weeps.

Four days later, there is a change in the air. She takes the money, though it is grudging, and the Hero of River Dane is left wondering.

Three weeks into Alistair's capture, Goldanna and Loghain make love in front of his cell, slow and sensual and as she cries out, a litany of soft moans and even softer words, the bastard prince's mind shatters.


	5. Eamon x Loghain for Crisium

They stand shoulder to shoulder at the wedding. He is giving away his sister, and the man at his right is the best man, of course. Who else but Loghain? As Rowan and Maric exchange vows, he shuffles slightly, feeling awkward. Given that the man was the biggest opposer to his first mission to the crown – a peace envoy to Orlais – he felt he had every right to feel a little awkward. But as he is pulled to one side before everyone takes their seats and ushered into a small side room, he feels the fear. _Now_ he is going to get it in the neck, _now_ he is going to be -

Loghain's lips are rough on his and, despite the initial shock, quite inviting. He does not fight him, is perfectly submissive as hands grasp, shedding their finery and leaving the men panting and naked, up against the wall. As Loghain turns Eamon around, he hisses through gritted teeth.

"Don't you dare let them take you." And to demonstrate his point, he enters him, unmindful of the gasp the young man releases. "Don't you _dare_."

* * *

In the following years, when he takes Isolde as his bride, he is not surprised when Loghain misses the wedding.


	6. Niall x Godwin for sagaciousrage

Once they were brave. Hand in hand, they had dared to take on the Templars themselves, finding themselves lashed for their impudence. Hidden away in their dorms after the Harrowing, they had clung onto each other like terrified children, and had simply forgotten how to let go. But they had each other, shielding themselves from the rest of the world, and so they had courage, shared like a torchlight that beamed through the bleakness of the Tower.

And then the abominations came, and they were separated out of necessity. Niall was sent to procure the Litany, and Godwin was tasked with keeping the defences up. And the torchlight, once so strong and bold, flickered for an instant and was snuffed out in a handful of moments, foolishness prevailing. Niall fell prey to a demon, entranced and drained and lost in a nightmare, and Godwin chose the coward's defence, cowering in an abandoned dormitory, and what was once bravery and a tight grip became nothing but a dream, lost to a time before fear and death.


	7. Teagan x Leliana from WWBverse for Cris

She can hear singing, and smiles. He had always claimed to be tone-deaf, but it was quite lovely, really. She stands, ear to the door, and bites her lip. One loose giggle and the jig is probably up. She closes her eyes, trying to imagine him right now - probably sat on the windowsill, arm draped over his knee and heart singing out to the world. She wonders for a moment why he has kept this gift from her, frowning slightly, before gently placing a hand on the doorhandle. Counting silently, she tenses up. One, two, three..

Bursting in, she freezes, hand still on the door. Teagan stands, legs splayed, on the bed. Modesty preserved only by a towel, his wet hair hangs over his shoulders and his face begins to redden, his grip on her hairbrush tight enough to whiten the knuckles. His jaw, mid-song, hangs as she covers her face, shaking. But before he can stammer out some semblance of defence, she laughs - loud, long and clear, and it is music to his ears. He sheepishly shuffles off the bed and crosses to her as she bends over, giggling hysterically.

"Be careful, my love," he warns, pulling her over to the bed and sitting her down. "I wouldn't want my brilliantly shameful moment to injure you or the baby." He runs a hand over her rounding belly, smiling. She manages to compose herself after a moment, hand resting on his.

"Of course not. But you must promise to do that again, when they are older," she laughs. "I would have our child grow up knowing that their father can laugh at himself." He laughs, kissing her forehead and handing her hairbrush over with an abashed grin on his face.


	8. Loghain x Loghain for Crisium

He growls as he enters his chambers, throwing his armour into the corner as he heads to the bed. Sitting on the edge of it, he runs a frustrated hand through his hair. Idiots, the pair of them, expecting him to play nice with the gentry whilst they fight in the back room - and they really were idiots if they thought that he did not know where that had led to, with her rumpled hair and bright eyes.

He pulls himself off the bed to finish stripping, before padding over to the full length mirror, rubbing his face wearily. His gaze flickers over his reflection, basking in his scarred glory, and the all-too familiar sensation tugs at him. Dark eyes piercing through the hollow sockets connect with lean muscles, chiselled jawline, neat braided hair.. his breath still hitches as he takes stock of his abdomen.

He is quick – he always is, and the seed of his brief narcissistic moment flies across the mirror. As he turns away, he thinks of Celia, his betrothed.

"No more," he murmurs, falling to the bed. "No more."


End file.
